When you were a baby, you couldn’t do anything on your own. You needed someone to feed you, hold you, and comfort you when you cried. You stared into your parents’ eyes for connection and safety. You smiled - not because you got the joke, but because smiling made grown-ups want to care for you even more! From the start, getting attention meant survival.

As you’ve grown, that need to be seen and loved hasn’t gone away – it’s just changed. Maybe it looks like craving likes on a post, trying out for the team, or wanting that one person to notice you. It’s normal to want connection. But sometimes, what we think will fill us, actually leaves us emptier than before.

I remember the first time my world shifted. My parents sat me down and said they were getting a divorce. It felt like the ground cracked beneath me. I couldn’t breathe. I remember thinking, “If I can just fix this - if I can just be better - maybe things will go back to normal.” That was the moment I started chasing approval to fill a hole I didn’t yet understand.

The Traps We Fall Into

Can you relate to any of these?

1. Performance = Value

When I got A’s or landed the lead in a play, everyone noticed. Their praise made me feel worth more - like my value came from what I could do instead of who I was, so I started chasing that feeling, again and again.

2. Friendship = Belonging

Being part of a friend group felt sacred. I’d wear what they wore, laugh at what they laughed at, and agree with things even if it didn’t feel like “me.” Fitting in was easier than feeling left out. The truth? I was losing myself for belonging that wasn’t real.

3. Relationships = Love

When friends started dating, I wanted to as well. Having a boyfriend made me feel seen, wanted, special. But deep down, I wasn’t sure who I even was when I wasn’t tied to someone else.

4. Distraction = Less Pain

Not feeling good? Distract yourself! That became my motto. Back then, it wasn’t social media - but if it had existed, I know I’d have used it to escape. Instead, I buried myself in perfectionism. If I could just be flawless - pretty, popular, smart, “enough” - then maybe I’d never have to feel the hurt. But perfection is exhausting…

And when I couldn’t maintain it, I’d crash. Today that might look like doom scrolling, binge-watching, self harm or isolating in your room. For me, it was smoking or drinking - anything to numb the ache of not feeling enough.

The Real Missing Piece

It took me years to figure out that what I was missing wasn’t more friends, achievements, or likes. It was a relationship - with Jesus and with myself.

The Bible says you are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). You were created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27) and are His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). Nothing is missing from you. But you’ll never believe that if you only look to the world to tell you who you are.

At the time, I didn’t know any of that. I didn’t even really know me.

Learning Who You Are

Think about it - when you want to learn about a celebrity, a new hobby, or even a country you want to visit… what do you do? You research it right? You ask questions, explore, spend time understanding it.

But how much time do we spend getting to know ourselves?!

There’s a movie from the 1900’s called “Runaway Bride”. Every time the main character dated someone new, she liked what he liked. She even changed her favorite kind of eggs to match his! She got engaged over and over - but never actually got married - because she didn’t know who she was.

Sound familiar?

Here’s something I wish I had learned sooner: you are the only person you will be with for your entire life. Not your parents, not your best friend, not your crush. You. If that’s true, doesn’t it make sense to get to know who you are - to become your own best friend?

A Love That Begins Within

Here’s another mind-blowing truth: you can only love others as deeply as you love yourself. Real intimacy - true connection - starts when you spend time with your own heart.

Ask questions like:

- What brings me joy when no one is watching?

- What makes me feel peaceful?

- What do I value?

- What do I believe God says about me?

The way you get to know someone else—with curiosity, kindness, time - that’s how you get to know yourself.

We live in a world that tells us to look outward for approval, but the peace we crave begins when we look inward and upward. God already calls you loved, chosen, complete. The more you see yourself through His eyes, the more you’ll see the masterpiece within.

The Point?

We all long for intimacy, but the truth is that we can only be truly intimate with someone else when we know ourselves and the One who created us.

It’s about looking within – feeling our feelings. Learning who we are. Having a relationship with ourselves and with God. It begins with “into me, I see”.