Have you ever held back from saying what you really think, feel, or need with people you would call friends? Have you ever said “yes” when you wanted to say “no?” Have you ever felt uncomfortable but gone along with the group anyway? I have. And I know I’m not the only one. Why? Why are we afraid to speak up? Students talk to me all the time about what holds them back. Do any of these fears feel familiar to you?
“What if they get mad at me?” “What if I get left out?” “What if people talk about me?” “What if they don’t like me anymore?” And here is the true fear that fuels all the questions: “What if I end up with no friends?”
We all have a very real need for acceptance and friendship. These needs were placed there by our Creator. The problem starts when we project a false version of ourselves to please people, when we perform for acceptance instead of being honest. This kind of relationship isn’t fulfilling because deep down we know they aren’t accepting who we really are, and we’re left more insecure for all the trying and striving.
True friendship is uplifting, caring, and supportive—not performative. It should feel like a breath of fresh air to be with true friends, not like you can’t breathe at all. We all know this mentally. And yet… our habits and choices don’t always reflect what we know.
We still say yes when we mean no, and work to please people in an exhausting struggle for acceptance because we fear being alone. There are five anchors we can cling to when we’re swirling in performative fear.
God didn’t create us to be alone. All the way back to Adam and Eve, even when Adam had a face-to-face relationship with God, He knew Adam needed companionship. (Genesis 2:18) God knows we need people, He made us that way and He is faithful to provide people in a mutually blessed kind of friendship—where both are encouraged.
We are never ever alone. This truth can obliterate the fear, if we let it. Jesus calls us friends (John 15:15) and promises never to leave us (Matthew 28:20). We are not alone. We need to know this truth when we are struggling with our feelings. Our enjoyment of people is greater when we're already fulfilled.
You will be judged whether you are yourself or a fake version of yourself. So why not choose the authentic you? That way you get the benefit of finding true connection, rather than just the judgement and no benefit. Let your goofy out!!! That, and being open to simple, warm conversation are the two most powerful things you can do to find true friendship. It may come where you least expect it, so ask questions, be curious, be open, and BE GOOFY!!! Yes, there will be people who look sideways at you, but you can thank them because they just ruled themselves out as people you can look for authentic connection with.
Staying in an unhealthy friendship that’s toxic, demeaning, performative, or unsafe to say what you truly need is so much worse than starting over with new friends.
Just because you feel fear, doesn’t mean it has to be the boss of you. Fear can rule your decision making, your relationships, your answers to questions—or not. Even when you feel it (because you will, you’re not a robot), you don’t have to act on your fear. Confidence and bravery are not feelings, they are choices in spite of feeling afraid. There are other healthy choices we can make in the face of fear to align our actions with our faith. For example, let’s do an experiment mentally. Let’s flip the “what if” game:
What if I allow them to feel mad without feeling like it’s my job to fix that?
What if I lose the friends that were really not my true friends and make space for real ones?
What if I pray and ask God to bring me friends from Him?
What if I’m open to new connections and new conversations and a new lunch table?
What if I don’t apologize for being me, and trust that God made me and I make Him feel joy by just being me?
The truth is, you’ll never know what God might do on the other side of your courage if you never take the first step. So the next time fear starts whispering, “What if everything falls apart?” answer it with a better question: “What if God is using this moment to lead me into the friendships, freedom, and confidence I’ve been praying for all along?” Don’t let the what if game steal the bold life God has already invited you to live!